L'Shana Tova! Welcome to Keddem Congregation's High Holy Day services for 5772. If you have been here before, it is good to see you again. If you are new to our community, welcome. I hope you all have a meaningful experience and that you will return.
Returning, it is that time of year, isn't it? Many of you have returned to once again observe Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur with the Keddem Community. We have just passed the autumnal equinox signaling the leaves on the trees to turn colour and return to the ground, completing the circle of life. And we are here to re-turn. To figure out what we want to do with our lives, or perhaps how to be a better person, or how to be more observant, or... what? Each of us has our own reasons. I hope you will take the time to ponder yours.
This kind of pondering is something I traditionally have not done. Growing up in an unaffiliated household, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur were simply days off from school. It was always nice to have the days off, but that is all they were, days off from school.
After my Dad, z"l, died right before my senior year of high school, my family went to a community Rosh Hashanah service. I can't say I was hooked. The prayers and the tunes were foreign to me and I was completely lost. We kept returning, at least I did when I could come home from college and then when I moved back home after graduation. With every year, the melodies and prayers became more and more familiar.
But, frankly, I went to services because it is just what I did. It was more meaningful than staying home and watching tv reruns all day. But I never felt introspective, it was simply tradition. Somewhere along the line I learned about the three major themes of tefillah (prayer), tzedakah (charity), and tshuvah, which some define as repentance, but actually means return. I know what tefillah and tzedakah are, I practice those at varying levels, but the idea of tshuvah was a new one for me.
My dictionary defines repentance as "a repenting or being penitent; feeling of sorrow, etc., especially for wrongdoing; compunction; contrition; remorse." Well this isn't a particularly new, or once per year, idea. I can talk myself into feeling remorse or guilt for something pretty quickly. Why would I come here to feel guilt when I can do that daily in the comfort of my own home? There has to be something more to tshuvah. What is this process? What am I returning to?
We are told we are atoning for our sins. That we are to say sorry for the bad things we have done. To borrow from another holiday, how is this different from apologies I make on any other day when I recognize that I have hurt someone or done something wrong?
On Kol Nidre and throughout Yom Kippur we will be confessing together as a community. But I am interested in the personal element, what I must do during this time of introspection.
"We commemorate the beginning of the world by trying to make new beginnings within ourselves, by returning to the beginning of the path." (The First Jewish Catalog, page 68-69.)
There are four steps to tshuvah, which contain actions about working on one's self and even how we relate to others:
The first step is Regret - regretting our actions. Most of us know the difference between right and wrong. When we miss the mark, we should recognize it. I think many of us do so, although maybe not right away, since we might be trying to justify our actions, but eventually we know if we've made a mistake.
The second step is to stop the action. Can you feel regret for an action if you continue to do it? An action may be so ingrained, it may be a habit, that even though you recognize it, you still continue to do it. Perhaps part of this step involves really considering what it takes to stop the action.
Step three is to ask for forgiveness. As I understand it we can ask God for forgiveness for transgressions against God, but we have to ask individuals for forgiveness before God will accept our tshuvah. Let's think about this, I can recognize that I have done something wrong, regret it, and cease doing it, but then I have to ask you for forgiveness. That is opening myself up, making me vulnerable, not comfortable. And really, since I don't know against whom I've transgressed, shouldn't I really ask for forgiveness of everyone?
Also, consider the other side for just a moment. What about when you are asked for forgiveness? Will you forgive the person asking? It doesn't mean you should forget what happened.
So, consider returning to the beginning of the path unencumbered by both guilt and resentment.
The fourth and final step to tshuvah is to resolve not to do it again. That is what the Ashamnu and Al Cheit prayers are for during Yom Kippur. We are acknowledging what we have done before God and asking God to forgive us. (CHANT) V'al kulam, Eloah slichot, s'lach lanu, m'chal lanu, kapper lanu. For all our wrongs, God of forgiveness, forgive us, wipe the slate clean, grant us atonement.
How do we know that we have succeeded at tshuvah? After all, it is such a personal process. We pray together, we support each other, but in the end tshuvah is our own personal reflection.
Maimonides, also known as the Rambam, writes that the only test of a successful "return" is that one refrains from repeating the transgression when similar circumstances arise. Tshuvah, then, for the Rambam is rooted entirely in a well-defined concept of the freedom of human action..."
(Rambam references from The Second Jewish Catalog, page 253.)
Some of us may not feel like we've sinned, transgressed, or missed the mark enough to go through these steps. So, why are we here? What are we trying to accomplish as we come for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur services? We are trying to make new beginnings within ourselves, so we may want to make small, incremental changes, such as:
- Consider spending more quality time with family and friends. Turn off the computer and the cell phone and interact with those whom you love.
- Consider better care for your health: eating healthfully, drinking more water, and/or exercising more.
- Maybe it is better control over your finances: limiting overspending or making and sticking to a budget.
From page one of our Machzor, "we are here at the start of the ten days of tshuvah, of turning, of returning to the self we have covered up behind the roles and masks with which we have learned to project ourselves. We are here in celebration and in search, in judgment and embrace, ready to confront ourselves and the world in which we find ourselves this night. We seek to open wide the windows behind which we have hidden, and to send forth hand and soul to learn where we have come, what we have become, and what we hope to be."
Without realizing it, I took my first step toward re-turning when I first went to services oh so many years ago.
So, consider what brought you here. It may just be what you do. But consider the opportunity to make this a new beginning for you.
L'Shana Tova Tikateivu! May you be written for a good New Year!
©2011 Hayley Green Smith
